Saturday, December 17, 2011

I'm still in a bit of a funk. For the first time in my life Christmas is not something to look forward to. I hate to say it, but I imagine I will be glad when it's over. I was so excited about my Christmas party plans but then the party was hijacked by someone who wanted to attend but would be leaving Korea for 2 weeks to visit family for the holiday. Of course I went anyway and was optimistic about having a good time even though I was a little disappointed and still sick. I baked cherry crumble, brownies and banana bread and it was nice to see some folks I haven't seen in a while. Then it got hot and there were a lot of people and it was noisy and I tried to duck out unseen, which didn't work. Eventually I made it home and I felt sad, and I felt sad that I was sad, because what have I got to be sad about? I am employed and I am safe and I like my job and the people I work with and I am able to go to the doctor and get medication.
I made a couple of friends over the summer and we have finally been able to get together again. I have been seeing them often and even though they don't live in my part of the city we have met up for dinner and a party and for their Friday night teacher's social thing in their neighborhood. After the Christmas party I was laying on the floor in my apartment (it's heated, so it's a normal thing to do) talking to my mom on the phone, being all sad, when one of them sent me a text message to my hand phone. They asked me if I wanted to come over and I read it to my mom and she said I better go because I sounded better just reading the message.
I am not the kind of person who has a lot of friends. I have a few friends and I love them dearly and I don't want to spread myself thin for people I don't love. I think I have mistakenly carried that too far with me here. Sometimes that kind of friendship isn't possible, because the kind of people I am good at being friends with are not always the kind of people I live around. I think I have been settling; being with people because they are the people I can easily be with because we live and work together. I didn't try to make other friends because I had friends. (This is not to say that my friendships, especially with the ladies I work with, are trivial or unimportant.) I have met this other group of people who laugh at my jokes and understand my cultural references. Some of them cook, one of them knits, and some of them are brand new to Korea and just need some help finding the cell phone shop and a grocery store. They won't all be important to me, but at least we are relevant to each other, and they aren't just other people who happen to speak English.

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